I’ve sat & questioned if sharing my thoughts on motherhood was the actual thing to do when they haven’t been the prettiest these last couple of weeks. When I created this blog, I made this personal space to share experiences & thoughts amongst many other things. I wanted to be open & honest about everything that I ever posted so this is going to be as real as it gets. If you’ve read my previous posts on motherhood you’ve often seen me mention feeling overwhelmed & defeated at times. Some days are better, but most times I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as I try to juggle the tasks that come with being a mom of 3 (a million, it feels like).
Yes, I may or may not be repeating myself but this is how I genuinely feel at the moment. This is a space where I can express myself freely & use my voice as I please. Nothing motivates me more to continue these series of motherhood diaries than the feedback that comes along with these honest posts.
I came across a post on Instagram yesterday where a mom captioned her imperfectly perfect photo with the word “insanity”. What is insanity you ask? It’s doing the same thing over & over again expecting different results. Sound familiar? Nothing stuck to me more than that caption that perfectly described my feelings & thoughts as I was loosing my mind that exact morning. Yesterday was a rollercoaster full of emotions, but it was also a day where I happened to see God everywhere throughout my day without actually seeking Him.
I had another bad day yesterday, and I wondered why I kept having them week after week. I convinced myself that it wasn’t normal anymore & that I needed to get to the bottom of things to get a clear understanding of what it is that I’m doing wrong. Where am I failing? I don’t ever remember feeling this way when I was a mom of 2, so why now? After having a conversation with my best friend about my daily struggles, I realized that I kept having these bad days because I kept comparing myself to the mom that I used to be when I was a mother of 2.. All this time, I compared all the work I ever got done as a mom of 2, to the so-called housework I get done today as a mother of 3. There’s really no comparison but what actually blows my mind is that I wasted so much time being in a made-up competition with myself! Lord, please tell me that I’m not the only one.
I gave up old routines while trying to make new ones and eventually threw in the towel & started taking it day by day (yes, I know I’ve said this before). I would write down goals for each day, & attempted to get them done even when knowing that it’d be nearly impossible to check them all off myself. But like I captioned on Instagram a few posts back, “Some days I’m an overachiever & some days all I can manage to do is make my bed”.
I am not the mother that I used to be. And I think the hardest thing for me has come to accept that I am much slower these days, and I find that I’m extremely hard on myself for that. Why? I don’t know, it just happens. Learning & accepting that I’m not the same mother who had everything under control hasn’t been one bit of easy. I often beat myself up for allowing my children to watch a little more than a few episodes of Pokémon on Netflix, while I nurse & try to put the baby to sleep. And if you do this that’s okay, but I was the type of mother who only allowed a certain amount of time for use of television & electronics. So when I lose track of time in the midst of motherhood, I feel shitty for not having it all together like I did months back. It’s a process just like everything else. Having to rediscover who I am as a woman, a wife, & a mother of 3, has been a long process. Our lives have changed in the matter of 8 months & I needed to be reminded that life too, is a process. We live, we learn, we grow, so why not embrace the journey?
Last night something called me to pick up a book I’ve been reading on & off throughout the last month. I immediately discovered all the answers I was unwillingly seeking for when reading the 1st page I had last left off on. Isn’t it funny how we often come across things that will automatically give us the answers we’re desperately looking for in hopes of helping us one way or another? It read something between the lines of God seeing the value in me, even when I feel I’m failing & I can’t see value in myself. Now, I have to admit that I’m not the most religious person to ever walk this planet, but reading that truly moved me & helped me in ways I cannot explain. I woke up feeling the weight of the world off my shoulders & somehow I knew that today would be better. Tomorrow & the next day will also be better because I am no longer in a competition with myself. I am embarking a new journey with rediscovering who I am, not as as mother of two but a mother of three. And if that means that my kids get to watch a whole series of Pokémon while I take care of business then so be it, my sanity is far too important to fight it off any longer.
God, thank you for speaking to me throughout the times that I needed you most.
This has only made me realize how much of Him I need in my life & how I need to get in touch with the man above.
Mama x Three
If you made it to the end, thank you so much for reading! Here’s a glimpse of the page I read last night, book is Hope Unfolding by Becky Thompson!
I love to hear when other moms relate to my posts. What are some ways that work for you when juggling being a stay at home mom (or mom in general) & housewive?
Ps. No time for perfect edited photos, typed from my phone & wanted this post to be as real as possible!