I am not the mother that I used to be… 

I’ve sat & questioned if sharing my thoughts on motherhood was the actual thing to do when they haven’t been the prettiest these last couple of weeks. When I created this blog, I made this personal space to share experiences & thoughts amongst many other things. I wanted to be open & honest about everything that I ever posted so this is going to be as real as it gets. If you’ve read my previous posts on motherhood you’ve often seen me mention feeling overwhelmed & defeated at times. Some days are better, but most times I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as I try to juggle the tasks that come with being a mom of 3 (a million, it feels like).

Yes, I may or may not be repeating myself but this is how I genuinely feel at the moment. This is a space where I can express myself freely & use my voice as I please. Nothing motivates me more to continue these series of motherhood diaries than the feedback that comes along with these honest posts.
I came across a post on Instagram yesterday where a mom captioned her imperfectly perfect photo with the word “insanity”. What is insanity you ask? It’s doing the same thing over & over again expecting different results. Sound familiar? Nothing stuck to me more than that caption that perfectly described my feelings & thoughts as I was loosing my mind that exact morning. Yesterday was a rollercoaster full of emotions, but it was also a day where I happened to see God everywhere throughout my day without actually seeking Him.

I had another bad day yesterday, and I wondered why I kept having them week after week. I convinced myself that it wasn’t normal anymore & that I needed to get to the bottom of things to get a clear understanding of what it is that I’m doing wrong. Where am I failing? I don’t ever remember feeling this way when I was a mom of 2, so why now? After having a conversation with my best friend about my daily struggles, I realized that I kept having these bad days because I kept comparing myself to the mom that I used to be when I was a mother of 2.. All this time, I compared all the work I ever got done as a mom of 2, to the so-called housework I get done today as a mother of 3. There’s really no comparison but what actually blows my mind is that I wasted so much time being in a made-up competition with myself! Lord, please tell me that I’m not the only one.

I gave up old routines while trying to make new ones and eventually threw in the towel & started taking it day by day (yes, I know I’ve said this before). I would write down goals for each day, & attempted to get them done even when knowing that it’d be nearly impossible to check them all off myself. But like I captioned on Instagram a few posts back, “Some days I’m an overachiever & some days all I can manage to do is make my bed”.

I am not the mother that I used to be. And I think the hardest thing for me has come to accept that I am much slower these days, and I find that I’m extremely hard on myself for that. Why? I don’t know, it just happens. Learning & accepting that I’m not the same mother who had everything under control hasn’t been one bit of easy. I often beat myself up for allowing my children to watch a little more than a few episodes of Pokémon on Netflix, while I nurse & try to put the baby to sleep. And if you do this that’s okay, but I was the type of mother who only allowed a certain amount of time for use of television & electronics. So when I lose track of time in the midst of motherhood, I feel shitty for not having it all together like I did months back. It’s a process just like everything else. Having to rediscover who I am as a woman, a wife, & a mother of 3, has been a long process. Our lives have changed in the matter of 8 months & I needed to be reminded that life too, is a process. We live, we learn, we grow, so why not embrace the journey?

Last night something called me to pick up a book I’ve been reading on & off throughout the last month. I immediately discovered all the answers I was unwillingly seeking for when reading the 1st page I had last left off on. Isn’t it funny how we often come across things that will automatically give us the answers we’re desperately looking for in hopes of helping us one way or another? It read something between the lines of God seeing the value in me, even when I feel I’m failing & I can’t see value in myself. Now, I have to admit that I’m not the most religious person to ever walk this planet, but reading that truly moved me & helped me in ways I cannot explain. I woke up feeling the weight of the world off my shoulders & somehow I knew that today would be better. Tomorrow & the next day will also be better because I am no longer in a competition with myself. I am embarking a new journey with rediscovering who I am, not as as mother of two but a mother of three. And if that means that my kids get to watch a whole series of Pokémon while I take care of business then so be it, my sanity is far too important to fight it off any longer.

God, thank you for speaking to me throughout the times that I needed you most.

This has only made me realize how much of Him I need in my life & how I need to get in touch with the man above.

All love,
Mama x Three

______

If you made it to the end, thank you so much for reading! Here’s a glimpse of the page I read last night, book is Hope Unfolding by Becky Thompson!


I love to hear when other moms relate to my posts. What are some ways that work for you when juggling being a stay at home mom (or mom in general) & housewive?

Ps. No time for perfect edited photos, typed from my phone & wanted this post to be as real as possible!

XO,

Sally 

9 thoughts on “I am not the mother that I used to be… 

  1. Thanks for sharing. I’m a first time mom of a 3 month old and sometimes i feel overwhelmed or like I’m not doing things the right way. I have so much respect for mammas since having my son cause I know how hard it is now. Sometimes I even have to remind myself too that my life is different now and even with one little one I can’t get everything done like i used to be able to. I try to create small goals for myself so that I don’t feel like i need to get so much done. For example I’ll do one load of laundry and I’m lucky if I get to put it away the Sam day! And that’s okay! I know that I can’t do all my laundry and put it away in one day anymore and the world will keep spinning right?!
    Thanks again for your words. 😊

    Like

    1. Thank you for reading! 💕
      Sometimes my laundry sits in the basket until I need clean clothes so I’ll finally bring myself to put it away! Laundry is a never ending cycle that I learned not stress over anymore, I’m sure we’re not the only ones who don’t put it away the same day it gets clean lol

      Like

  2. Amazing words of wisdom. I’ve been feeling the same way towards allowing my kids to watch tv. Or Netflix on the iPad. I used to see kids constantly on these devices and said to myself that i wouldn’t allow that, so when my son started Kinder i didn’t let him use it whatsoever anymore. But lately I’ve been a little stressed and overwhelmed, i just give it to him so that i can finish cleaning or get some relaxing time even. And i feel so guilty. But as i think about it more, i’m realizing i shouldn’t. Of course i shouldn’t let them use it more than they need to, but with some rules applied, now i’m feeling like it isn’t as bad as i thought it was. And this is what i used to do, apply rules. As long as they have their room clean, they listen to me and behave, it’s okay. When my son was younger i would let him see tv before bed, and when it was time to turn it off, he would cry! So i would tell him if he cried for it again, he wouldn’t get to see it the next day. So when the next day came, i explained why he wasn’t going to see it. And surprisingly, this worked within a few days. And he was around 2 years old back then, so imagine now that he understands things more, what we can both accomplish? I feel like as long as we help them understand it is a privilege to let them see more tv, or use the iPad, (or do other things we are afraid of, that isn’t so bad after all) they’ll soon realize if they clean their room on time, brush their teeth when they’re suppose to, wash their hands before eating, and so on, then they’ll have the privilege for us to allow them to do these things we don’t normally do. It’ll help us teach them that nothing comes out of bad behavior, if they behave they’ll be able to do these things. AND at the same time, it gives us time to catch up on chores, or even have some time to ourselves. If we can turn these things around, it’ll help us both in the end. Thank you for sharing your journeys! I will definitely subscribe. 🙂

    Ps. So sorry, didn’t realize how much i wrote until i stopped!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, yes, yes, yes, everything you said, yes!
      I’m okay with a little tv & iPad time for a certain amount of time & under the perfect circumstances (cleaning time or baby’s nap time). There’s nothing I love more than watching them use & play with their own toys than have them be entertained with electronics. So I don’t mind them watch a little tv while I get stuff done, as long as it doesn’t become a problem & a habit then I’m a-okay with it!

      Like

  3. Hi Sally,
    My name is Yvonne, of course you don’t know me but I’ve been one of your followers on Instagram for the past few years. I first started following you because of your make-up post and continued to follow because of your awesome and honest post regarding everyday life. When I first saw your post about starting a blog I literally smiled instantly because I couldn’t wait to read all you had to share. You do not know how much your post have helped me now that I am a first time mother. Endless amounts of times have I felt too overwhelmed and felt like i was just not trying hard enough or was doing the wrong thing when it came to raising my son! But some how the days I have felt my worst, there is Sally with a post with a positive outlook on things and motherhood. I am literally here at work reading your blog and holding in the tears instead of working because this post made me realize that life changes on a day by day basis and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I do tend to be my worst critique. Anyways I just wanted to let you know that without you even knowing you have helped me in ways I never thought a blog or Instagram post would and for that I thank you! Keep being as you are!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg this comment truly made my day! Thank you so much for sticking around & reading my blogs! Being a 1st time mom comes with a lot of hard work & struggles sometimes, but I promise with time it gets better & easier. Adjusting to a new life with a baby is tough itself & you’re right, we tend to be our own worst critiques. I think it’s pretty normal to feel overwhelmed but always try to take a step back if you need to & give yourself some time to reflect. I had a really hard time adjusting to my new role as a mom of 3 & it took quite some time but I learned that taking it day by day & setting goals for myself does the trick. Even when I’m unable to do everything, I don’t beat myself up for it because I know that I did a lot even when it seems that I didn’t.
      Thank you so much for taking the time to read & comment, I truly appreciate it!
      Wishing you a happy turnaround & a much smoother process in adjusting! 💕
      Xo,
      Sally

      Like

  4. Oh man I totally needed to read this blog post! I’m a new follower of yours, and a single first time mom of a 10 month old baby boy. I too have been struggling with the pressure I place on myself and trying to find myself again as all my time and energy goes into taking care of my baby. This week has been a hard one I’ve been sick with the flu and trying to take care of my little one has been even more exhausting. I literally have the biggest pile of washed clothes on my vanity chair waiting to get put away for about 3 days now and I feel so down about that like where is all my time going where I can even put away clothes? I love how you said you don’t get stressed about things like laundry and just take it day by day and set small goals. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and feel like I would rather have a dirty house, but a happy, playful baby crawling around and spend time with him than trying to obtain the cleanest room/home. I hate the fact that as women/moms were sooooo hard on ourselves when in fact we have the hardest/ most importnwnt job ever! This week I will make it a goal to not be so hard on myself and set small goals it’s nice to know I’m not alone with all this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! Totally agree with you & like what you said. (: I know it’s hard not to be so hard on ourselves but I promise it gets better. On the days I’m unable to get much done I try to look past all the mess & decide what is more important. So yes, a happy baby is far more important than the chores that await us. You’re definitely not alone! Opening up about my feelings as a mother definitely made me realize that I wasn’t the only one. We’re all in this motherhood life together ♥️

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s