Sitting in a parking lot, typing this up in a very emotional & hormonal state.. 2 nights ago, I decided to discontinue our breastfeeding journey as we transition into drinking almond milk. Our nights have been long, exhausting, & extremely heartbreaking for my little guy and I. We’ve kept busy throughout our days with many different outings, & we’d only dealt with fussiness in the middle of the night. Our nights have turned into mornings as we struggle to fall back asleep. We’re on for day 2, night 3, with no outings today, & my little guy is having a hard time taking a nap without his usual feedings. Thus, parking lot. Our life today consisted of running out in our pjs, driving around town as we played lullabies until a long-awaited nap happened. Something tells me this’ll be routine for the next couple of days as we get through this.
I went down memory lane earlier, reminiscing & looking at pictures of our breastfeeding moments, & I can’t tell you how hard I cried. This transitioning is hard on the both of us. I sit in pain with engorged breasts and tears streaming down my face as I think & realize that my breastfeeding days are forever behind me. My baby cries and I cry with him as I do my best to comfort him, & my heart aches for the both of us. My last fed baby, I can’t believe it and it’s such a bittersweet feeling. There were times I looked forward to having my body back, & I yearned for the nights we’d both sleep uninterruptedly. It feels a bit selfish if I’m being honest, but I knew this was what my body needed, mentally & physically. I haven’t slept through an entire night in the last (almost) 15 months, because even at his age, my baby kept waking up at least once or twice to feed. My goal was to breastfeed for a year & we made it to almost 15 months of exclusively breastfeeding on demand.
I had my fair share of struggles along my journey – decreased milk supply & mastitis, but giving up was never an option for me. Not only did I leave my full time job to focus on my kids & my home, but having low milk supply & having almost nothing left to pump after our feedings, was a huge reason why I decided to become a stay at home mom for a second time. Breastfeeding has been & will always be a huge part of my motherhood role, and I am so proud & grateful to have made it this far. I was blessed and lucky enough to have been able to breastfeed all of my babies – my firstborn for 6 months, & my last two for a little over a year. I will forever cherish the unconditional bond that these beautiful moments brought us all in our own time. Nothing could’ve really prepared me for this moment, and I am overwhelmed with heartbreak & emotions at the thought of our breastfeeding days coming to an end. I know there are long & hard days waiting ahead of us, but I will always be there beside my little to comfort him & love him in the way I know best. We will be okay, we will survive this, and we’ll carry on with the next few days taking strolls around town & watching Boss Baby at the crack of dawn. My last baby, I love you beyond the moon, the stars, & the sky.
( There are so many photos that were taken along our breasfeeding journey I’d love to share with you all, but instead I’ll share this picture that reminds me of my long & trying motherhood days. Oily postpartum hair loss & bald spots, bare-naked face, baby wearing around the house, and dropping everything to nurture & feed my baby on the spot. These are the days that have left a footprint on my heart.)